Not afraid of clowns? Here’s why you should be.

We got trouble, my friend, right here in River City. Trouble with a capital “T” and that rhymes with “C” and that stands for clowns.

There are a number of marginalized groups who rightfully deserve federal protections under Title VII of the Civil Rights Act, the statute that prohibits discrimination on the basis of race, color, religion, gender, or national origin. But do you know which class this statute purposely excludes?

That's right, clowns. And rightfully so. 

Clowns aren't like you or I—they're clowns.

Now, I'm not a fan of discriminating against anyone. I believe that all people should be treated equally under the law. Yet, clowns are decidedly not people. People don't paint fake smiles on their faces or wear false noses. People don't contort balloons into animals or wear shoes five sizes too big. And people don't infiltrate your and drive you to the brink of madness.

We have tolerated circus freaks for far too long.

Although the circus originated in Ancient Egypt, the first modern circus—the kind that birthed the freaks haunting your nightmares—was invented in 1768. You can thank British weirdo and likely doll-hoarder, Philip Astley, for your irrational fear of cream pies. He was the first guy to pay a clown—in actual money—for doing…um, whatever it is clowns do besides traumatizing children.

We've got trouble with a capital C, and that stands for clowns.

The first clown act was so popular among the dim and easily amused that Astley hired more clowns. He eventually hired so many clowns, in fact, that transporting them from town to town became a problem. They simply couldn't all fit into the tiny car he'd bought for them (or could they…?) SPOILER: No, they couldn't, there's a trap-door underneath the car. Wake up, sheeple!

Clowns pose a very real threat to humanity.

For the next century, clowns performed all over America to the delight of simpletons everywhere. During that time, however, clowns evolved significantly from the harmless hobos who did pratfalls at children's birthday parties to the murderous psychopaths we see luring our kids into suburban sewers today. I'm not sure how this transformation happened—exposure to GMO popcorn, some people say—yet, it's pretty clear where this is all ultimately headed.

How many clowns are too many? Yes.

Left to their notoriously horny ways—as exemplified by the unsettling amount of Clown Porn [NSFW!]—clowns will quickly outgrow their native habitat, the outskirts of town. Inevitably, they'd migrate into more populated areas, putting them at bodily risk of getting hit by cars, getting backed over by cars, or getting hit and then backed over by cars. Luckily, there's a simpler solution to the problem of clown overpopulation.

Okay, who said, “hunting clowns for sport”?

Wait, hear me out on this. I know that, on the face of it, this solution sounds cruel, barbaric, and possibly even illegal. Yet, buckshot ingestion is far more humane than starvation, right? Plus, it's better to cull the population now, before clowns run out of circus peanuts and develop a taste for human flesh.

Obviously, no sane person wants clowns moving into their neighborhoods, dating their daughters, and stealing their jobs, yet that's exactly the future we all face if nothing is done.

On the bright side, however, the problem could've been much worse—it could've been mimes.

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