Everything you ever wanted to know about Peter Crosby, but really didn’t.

Peter Crosby is a man of diverse skills and confusing interests. In a previous life, he was an advertising Creative Director, published cartoonist, computer nerd, and middling trumpet player. Now, when he’s not pursuing any of those activities, Peter Crosby busies himself by drinking cheap box wine and staring blankly into his TV set, wondering where all the years have gone.

The youth of Peter Crosby began shortly after birth.

I collected comic books.

Born fifth, the youngest son of a typical suburban family, Peter Crosby spent his early childhood like many American kids — reading comic books and watching network television sitcoms.

This intellectually bankrupt upbringing led to social dysfunction and a lack of achievement, despite being constantly reminded of his “above-average intelligence” by motivation-killing teachers (“Mr. Crosby’s obviously bright, he just doesn’t apply himself to our pointless exercises and tedious busy-work”).

Peter Crosby’s anemic academic record was a testament to both his boredom with traditional education methodology and his sugary cereal-fueled hyperactivity.

Crosby showed early signs of promise, and later signs of psychopathy.

My proudest achievement.

There were some bright spots during Peter’s school years. In the sixth grade, for example, Crosby drew the best Snoopy® in his elementary school and subsequently awarded a ceramic Linus® piggy bank. Why not a ceramic Snoopy piggy bank? He never asked. Yet, over the decades, this crappy branded merchandise has become a priceless collector’s item.

After decades spent unsuccessfully attempting to surpass that meager achievement, however, Peter gave up trying to do anything meaningful with his life and went into advertising. Because that’s what people with undiagnosed ADHD do when they have a Bachelor of Arts degree, middling grades, and no other marketable skills.

The end of innocence, the beginning of a career.

Peter Crosby was once an advertising copywriter.
Not an actual award.

For the next 35 years, Crosby worked regularly as an advertising professional in numerous ad agencies from New York to California. He won awards at many of them, and was even asked to judge award shows in other markets. Clearly, Crosby had exceeded the legal limit of success for a person of his highly questionable talents.

Plagued by imposter syndrome for much of his career, Peter still lives in constant fear that his beautiful spouse and worldly possessions will be repossessed at any moment by a Washington bureaucrat and Peter’s gloating High School guidance counselor. (“See? I told you that you’d never amount to anything, Mr. Crosby!”)

Peter Crosby takes full responsibility for everything about him that can’t be reasonably blamed on his parents.

The confusing interests of Peter Crosby.

Author, Peter Crosby
Peter Crosby, writer/nerd/idiot

As for Peter’s personal interests, they include watching any British Comedy or Matt Groening TV series, whining about petty annoyances online, and using multiple computers to express his penchant for writing, photography, music, and home automation, as well as to alienate his aforementioned beautiful wife.

For fun, Peter Crosby likes to travel with said spouse and write long-winded articles about his trips, primarily for his own golden-year recollections, but also for the vast sea of bored English-reading citizens of the world who should seriously think about getting out more.

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