birds eye view of the grey glacier in the torres del paine national park

Seriously, I am never going to Antarctica, or the South Pole, if you’re under 13. What do I do look like? A crazy person? Come on, I’ve seen the IMAX movie about Antarctica and, while the area certainly looks spectacular, it’s also freaking freezing as sh*t—I’m talking like Alaska cold.

Oh, and I think Antarctica’s the place with leopard seals, aka “adorable killing machines,” right? They’re one of the few animals that sees humans as food. So, yeah, forgive me if I don’t want to wander around a place populated by people-eating seals, thanks.

Nope, that’s not happening. Ever. Forget about it. You can go to Antarctica, but I will go somewhere warm with a beach, like…I don’t know, Bali or Bora Bora.

Feel free to write me from Antarctica and send a postcard (while you’re still breathing).