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Tag: crosbyreport

Peter Crosby, author of the CrosbyReport blog.

The CrosbyReport blog is a sly SEO trick intended to “cast a wider net,” attracting more web traffic and increasing the number of subscribers to my email newsletter. My blog also provides an opportunity to write about topics that don’t really fit comfortably under the umbrella of a travel-oriented website—everything from technology to finance. Yeah, theme-wise, the CrosbyReport blog is kinda all over the board. Enjoy!

Frequently asked questions about the CrosbyReport.

Confused by this website? You’re not alone.

Frequently asked questions, or FAQs, are the bane of every popular online property. They get pestered all the time by people who are constantly making the same basic inquiries. And one day, I hope that those people with ask those same annoying questions about the CrosbyReport, my Occasional Email Newsletter Thing.

In anticipation of that day, I thought I’d nip those oft asked queries in the proverbial bud by writing frequently given answers to those very same frequently asked questions.

The top ten CrosbyReport™ FAQs.

What exactly would I be signing up for?

Every month or so, you’ll get an email that may or may not be about something. Often, it is about nothing.

How much does it cost?

It’s free, because who would pay for this nonsense?

Why are you doing this?

I’m retired and need a creative outlet to prevent the voices inside my head from making me…do things.

When did you start doing this?

Back in 1991, I left New York to pursue a career in advertising and started writing the CrosbyReport because I mistakenly thought my friends back home were interested in what I was doing. They weren’t.

Are you now, or have you ever been, a moron?

Yes.

How do you intend to monetize this operation?

Good question.

Where would a guy go to find a decent sandwich around here?

Quizno’s is pretty good.

I read somewhere that you were writing a book, how’s that going?

It’s coming along.

My iTunes isn’t syncing to my iPhone, can you help?

Sure, here.

Why aren’t you doing more with your life?

Shut up, Mom.

Have you recently inherited a large family fortune from a relative you barely knew? Do you get paid an obscene salary to do a quasi-legal job within a faceless corporation? Or have you embezzled millions from your city’s pension fund? If you answered “yes” to any of those questions, I have good news for you. And here it is.

CrosbyReport Premium is a new membership level for readers with more money than sense.

As a clearly superior human being in every respect, you have different needs and expectations than the typical plebeians and freeloaders who normally frequent this site. I know that wealthy people like yourself resent being treated like just any other peon instead of the elite patron of the arts that you are. For you, Mr. and/or Mrs. Moneybags, I’ve created CrosbyReport Premium.

What exactly is CrosbyReport Premium?

It’s an upscale membership level for my more discriminating readers. It’s also an innovative new monetization model that, if successful, will allow me to quit my day job, freeing me up to pursue my true passions: drinking wine while watching TV sitcoms.

In layman’s terms, here’s how CrosbyReport Premium works:

  1. You subscribe at my premium level
  2. I make a lot more money

It’s what’s called a “win-win” proposition assuming I understand that concept correctly, and it’s entirely possible that I don’t.

Get exclusive benefits no other site will match, no matter how much you pay.

Why would you even want Premium Membership? First and foremost, you’ll get a bunch of one-of-a-kind, member-only perks including, but not limited to:

  1. A rush of endorphins from helping me out
  2. Free high-fives if we ever meet on the street
  3. Three shout-outs on my Twitter feed
  4. My undying gratitude for up to 2 years
  5. A free copy of my upcoming travel book

That’s a compelling package, right? Now, you might be assuming that this level of inclusion and engagement would be priced far out of reach for commoners, that you’d need to empty your child’s college fund, or sell your body parts to afford it. Well, you may be pleasantly surprised (depending on your tax bracket).

My most expensive option has never been more affordable.

Flaunt your wealth by blowing $499 on this sham.*

LIMITED TIME OFFER: Save 10% when you enable automatic renewals into perpetuity by entering the promo code “SUCKER” at checkout.

The entire CrosbyReport Premium Experience—with all its many exclusive bells and whistles—costs just US$499 a year! Yes, you read that right. The whole upscale illusion, the endorphins, the high-five and shout-outs—all of it, for only $499 a year. That’s less than $42 a month, or about $1.50 a day. Clearly, it’s an amazing deal, and one you won’t find anywhere else (go ahead and look), so subscribe now.

*No relation to the ShamWow® family of fine cloth products.

Well, I certainly hope so. Because it’s going to take me years of therapy—the expensive kind—to get over such a devastating blow to my self-esteem.

Sure, I may come off as “together” or “well-adjusted,” but this kind of rejection cuts deeply because I was never really wanted as a child. While my parents would never admit that I was a mistake, I could tell they never wanted a blogger in the family.

Hey, can I ask you one last favor?

tears on face of crop anonymous woman
Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com

Before you send me spiraling into clinical depression, lemme just ask why did you wanna unsubscribe?

  • Did I send too many emails? I mean, LinkedIn® sends way more emails and they’re not funny unless they suggest jobs at Chuck E. Cheese’s or Microsoft.
  • Was my content not relevant? Honestly, I’m surprised. How could you not care about where I’ve been, what I’m doing, what I think, and what I —oh, okay…I see it now.
  • Was my content offensive? I’m truly sorry, but that’s not exactly “off-brand” for me. It’s a birth defect.

Okay, it’s done. You’ve successfully unsubscribed from The CrosbyReport™ mailing list. Yeah, you’re good to go now. I won’t send you any more emails. Nope. We’re all done here.

But I have to say, this is a bit unexpected and, frankly, a little upsetting. I mean, basically what you’re saying is not just that you don’t want to read my writing anymore — that’s fine, I get that — but that you don’t even want to know that it exists. Ouch.

That’s pretty harsh.

No, no, I’ll get over it. You know, in time. It’s okay, I’m an adult.

Feeling guilty yet? Re-subscribe!

I’ll even take back all the terrible things I was going to say about you.

Hate email? Follow me on social media instead!

Perspectives you won’t find on travel sites with experience, qualifications, or fact‑checkers.

The CrosbyReport is a satirical take on travel by internationally unknown humorist, Peter Crosby.

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Don’t be fooled, this only looks like another travel blog.

The CrosbyReport is not yet another damn travel blog. You can easily Google any number of travel-related blogs online. A recent search for “travel blog” returned 3.6 billion results—yeah, with a B. That’s how many unemployed English Lit majors and failed romance novelists have already posted self-indulgent travelogues about café-hopping through Western Europe.

Peter Crosby, author of the CrosbyReport
Peter Crosby, Ignoramus.

But, what you can’t easily Google (because I’m not great at Search Engine Optimization) is my singular—and wholly unsolicited—perspective on the world’s top tourist destinations. For that, you have to read my travel reports, join the CrosbyReport mailing list, or stop by my house, which is currently in no condition to accept visitors.

The CrosbyReport is a humor blog about travel.

Why did I choose travel? Frankly, the tough part about writing jokes is coming up with topics to write jokes about. And since travel is something my wife forces me to do with shocking regularity, it gives me a steady stream of unexpected encounters, awkward interactions, and embarrassing indiscretions—enough to even write a freakin’ book.

International travel is, in a word, “comedy gold.”

After all, what other experience forcibly interjects you into the lives of strangers who speak a different language, have different customs and values, and really don’t want you around? I mean, besides an open-mic standup set at a Chinatown laundromat.

Don’t take my word for it, read the CrosbyReport yourself.

Hey, if you don’t find my travel reports at least mildly amusing, let me know on Mastodon, Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram, and I’ll sulk around for days, maybe longer—that’s my solemn promise to you.*

   

*Guarantee not valid anywhere capable of supporting human life or lawyers.