Seriously, I am never going to Antarctica, or the South Pole, if you’re under 13. What do I do look like, a crazy person? Come on, I’ve seen the IMAX movie about Antarctica and, while the area certainly looks spectacular, it’s also freaking freezing as sh*t—like Alaska cold.

Oh, and I think Antarctica’s the place with polar bears, aka soulless killing machines, right? They are one of the few animals that sees humans as food. So, yeah, forgive me if I don’t want to wander around a place populated by people-eating bears, thanks.

Nope, that’s not happening. Ever. Forget about it. You can go to Antarctica, but I will go somewhere warm with a beach, like…I don’t know, Bora Bora.

Feel free to write me from Antarctica and send a postcard (while you’re still breathing).