Quotes I wish I had said.

People often tell me that I have a way with words, then I tell them they’re stupid and illiterate. After which, I swig another glass of cheap scotch, stagger outside to the balcony and stare down into the night wondering about the absurdity of life and the point of it all. Then, just before I jump, I think of these quotes and decide not to paint that Mercury Marquis parked on the street below with my own blood. You know what I mean? Yeah, I know you do.

People often tell me that I have a way with words, then I tell them they’re stupid and illiterate. After which, I swig another glass of cheap scotch, stagger outside to the balcony and stare down into the night wondering about the absurdity of life and the point of it all. Then, just before I jump, I think of these quotes and decide not to paint that Mercury Marquis parked on the street below with my own blood. You know what I mean? Yeah, I know you do.

Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able, and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God? — Epicurus (c. 341 BCE)

Reasonable people adapt themselves to the world. Unreasonable people attempt to adapt the world to themselves. Progress, therefore, depends on unreasonable people. — GB Shaw

We’re all in this alone — Lily Tomlin

Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter — unknown

“Shut Up” he explained — Ring Lardner (1885-1933)

“Hello” he lied — Don Carpenter

Living with a saint is more grueling than being one. — Robert Neville

The Good Lord never gives you more than you can handle. Unless you die of something. — Guindon Cartoon Caption

I hate quotations — Ralph Waldo Emerson (1805-1882)

It is better to have loved and lost than never to have lost at all — Samuel Butler (1835-1902)

My work is done, why wait? — Suicide note left by George Eastman (1854-1932)

I don’t feel good — last words of Luther Burbank (1849-1926)

Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something. — Last words of Pancho Villa (1877-1923)

You might as well fall flat on your face as lean over too far backward — James Thurber (1899-1961)

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but they always worked for me. — Hunter E. Thompson

Nixon is a shift-eyed goddamn liar. — Harry S. Truman (1884-1922)

I don’t give a shit about the Italian lira. — President Richard M. Nixon on being asked by H. R. Haldeman if he wanted to hear a report on the decline of the Italian lira.

I would have made a good pope. — Richard M. Nixon

I am the only man standing between Richard M. Nixon and the White House.— John F. Kennedy (1960)

No — President Jimmy Carter’s daughter Amy when asked by a reporter if she had any message for the children of America.

Well, I would — if they realized that we — again if — if we led them back to that stalemate only because that our retaliatory power, our seconds, or strike at them after or first strike, would be so destructive that they couldn’t afford it, that would hold them off. — Ronald Regan when asked if nuclear war could be limited to tactical weapons.

The only thing that saves us from bureaucracy is its inefficiency. — Eugene McCarthy

Never eat more than you can lift. — Miss Piggy

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said I don’t know. — Mark Twain (1835-1910)

Byrne’s Law — in any electrical circuit, appliances and wiring will burn out to protect fuses. —Robert Byrne

More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total exxtinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. — Woody Allen

Fifteen cents of every twenty-cent stamp goes for storage. — Louis Rukeyser

The race may not be to the swift or the victory to the strong, but that’s how you bet. — Daman Runyon (1844-1946)

Go, and never darken my towels again. — Groucho Marx (1895-1977)

The future isn’t what it used to be. — Variously ascribed

They say you can’t do it, but sometimes it doesn’t always work. — Casey Stengel (1891-1975)

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee. — Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

He who hesitates is miles from the next exit. — Unknown

If my film makes one more person miserable, I’ll feel I’ve done my job.— Woody Allen

A hypocrite is a person who — but who isn’t? — Don Marquis (1878-1937)

Nothin’ can’t stop us if we want it to. — Back Seat Sally

Brain Damage Reading Test: People tell me one thing and out the other. I feel as much like I did yesterday as I did today. I never liked room temperature. My throat is closer than it seems. Likes and dislikes are among my favorites. No napkin is sanitary enough for me. I don’t like any of my loved ones. —Daniel M. Wegner

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I’ll waste no time reading it. — Moses Hadas (1900-1966) in a letter

This book fills a much-needed gap. — Moses Hadas in a review.

It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark. — Howard Ruff

Of all noises, I think music is the least disagreeable. — Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)

Lord Ronald said nothing; he flung himself from the room, flung himself upon his horse and rode madly off in all directions. — Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)

Rituals are things we do to avoid feeling guilty. — Greg Bear on marriage

If people don’t want to come out to the ballbark, nobody’s going to stop them. — Yogi Berra

Keep breathing. — Sophie Tucker (1884-1966)

I will always cherish the original misconceptions I had about you. — Unknown

God is not dead but alive and well and working on a much less ambitious project. — Graffito

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God. — Lenny Bruce (1923-1966)

Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. — Napoleon (1769-1821)

Go away, I’m alright. — Last words of H.G. Wells (1885-1946)

You can pretend to be serious, but you can’t pretend to be witty. — Sacha Guitry (1885-1957)

Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money. — Arthur Miller

I am a deeply superficial person. — Andy Warhol

A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on. — Fred Allen (1894-1956)

I’ve never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother. — W.C. Fields (1880-1946)

Being in the Army is a lot like the Boy Scouts, except the Boy Scouts have adult supervision. — Blake Clark

It’s so beautifully arranged on the plate — you know someone’s fingers have been all over it. — Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine

When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better. — Gerald Nachman

Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese. — G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

It is not true that life is one damn thing after another — it is one damn thing over and over. — Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892-1936)

I have found little that is good about human beings in my experience most of them are trash. — Sigmund Freud (1856-1936)

Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union. — Joseph Stalin (1879-1953)

I’m so miserable without you it’s almost like having you here. — Steven Bishop song title

If you are a police dog, where’s your badge? — The question James Thruber (1894-1961) used to drive his German Shepherd crazy.

Vote early and vote often. — Al Capone (1899-1947)

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. — Darin Weinberg

The future is like the present, only longer. — Don Quisenberry

It is earlier to get forgiveness than permission. — Stewart’s Law of Retroaction in Murphy’s Law, Book Two

It is impossible to get something clean without making something else dirty. — Murphy’s Law of Conservation of Filth

I took a speed reading course and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes — it’s about Russia. — Woody Allen

When smashing monuments, save the pedestals — they always come in handy. — Stanislaw Lem

If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done. — Unknown

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than with a kind word alone. — Johnny Carson

The five phases of a project: 1. Enthusiasm; 2. Disillusionment; 3. Panic; 4. Punishment of the innocent; 5. Praise and honors for the non-participants — Unknown

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet. — St. Augustine (345-430)

I will not eat oysters — I want my food dead, not sick, not wounded, dead. — Woody Allen

Attention to health is life’s greatest hindrance. — Plato (427-347BC)

Plato was a bore. — Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal. — Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910)

I can’t give you brains, but I can give you a diploma. — Wizard of Oz, seen on a blackboard at Purdue University

It takes a leap of faith — I don’t think you could prove any of this stuff. — Purdue University Professor O.R. Indiana Bob Mitchel

You’ve got to understand, with electricity you never really know what’s going on. — Overheard from a Purdue University Electrical Engineering department official.

Pray for faith. — Graffitio

I’ve lost my faith in Nihilism. — Graffitio

We are dealing in facts, not realities. — Samuel Goldwyn

It is much easier to be critical than correct. — Benjamin Disraeli

Good, cheap, fast; pick two. — Office Graffitio

Love means having to say you’re sorry every five minutes. — Unknown

Eat cheese or die. — Motto suggested for Wisconsin license plates

Ignore previous cookie. — Message found in fortune cookie

In six pages I can’t even say “hello”. — James Michner

Enough. Definition of “once”. — Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)

What luck for rulers that men do not think. — Adolf Hitler (1889-1945)

It is fun being in the same decade with you. — Franklin Delano Roosevelt in a letter to Winston Churchill (1942)

Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. — George Bernard Shaw

Join for the capital gains tax cut, stay for the bigotry: We’re your Republican Party. — Mike Silverman

Dennis Pennis: Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography? Chris Eubank: On what?

Tell him he’s Pele and get him back on. — The Motherwell Manager after getting the message from his Trainer that his Centre Forward was suffering from concussion and didn’t know who he was.

The race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favor to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all. — Ecclesiastes

Balance is never achieved by holding it. If you try to hold your balance you will lose it. Instead reach out for it and receive it. — Some yoga dude