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Peter Crosby

I will admit that I’m no professional eater, even though I have been doing it for most of my life—without pay, mind you. And over all that time, I’ve always been an eat-to-live, not a live-to-eat type of guy. But recently, I sampled something that could potentially turn the tables. It’s a melding of two extremely edible, highly addictive, and surprisingly legal substances.

A delicacy greater than the sum of its ingredients.

Kung Fu Tacos

No single flavor—not even Isoamyl Acetate—can match the tastebud-transporting power of combinations like Mac & Cheese, PB&J, or even the fusiony goodness of KungFu Tacos and Tikka Masala Pizza. That’s why there’s a whole profession dedicated to discovering new culinary concoctions. Food Scientists (as they prefer to be called instead of “Nosh Nerds”), have certainly made real advances in mashing two foods together, but they’ve made some glaring omissions, too.

How did no one think of this sooner?

“Wait, what’s a spreadsheet?”

By this point in human history, I would’ve expected someone to have already made a chart listing every known food item (running both top-to-bottom and left-to-right) in order to test and check off all possible food combinations therein. But no one did, apparently. As a result, no one had put two of the 5 basic human tastes together for a thousand years. That’s right, friend, no one had ever combined the oldest known food seasoning, salt, with the poster child for sweetness, caramel. Are you kidding me?

The cause of needless human suffering.

For illustration, but also for sale at Amazon.

The same foodies who dreamed up Pickles & Kool-Aid somehow overlooked Salted Freakin’ Caramel. And had someone made the salt/caramel connection back in 1000CE when caramel was first discovered, we might’ve avoided The Crusades altogether. Instead, we had to slog through the Dark Ages and two world wars until a French pasty chef finally combined these two ingredients in—wait for it—1977!* Yeah.

How did it take another 40 years to get over here? Are food scientists not sharing data? Was there some kind of patent dispute or international trade restriction? Or were American food scientists simply too busy Frankensteining together barely ingestible abominations like Pepperoni Pancakes and Hamburger Helper?

The growing importance of food science.

Food scientists are our only hope.

Despite their obvious ineptitude, the world’s food scientists are nonetheless critical to mankind’s future survival. Their meat substitutes are our only hope to reduce deforestation, cut methane gas emissions, and prevent the ice caps from melting. But let’s not pin all our hopes on them, after all, they’re the same crackheads who put pineapple on a pizza.

Pineapple, for cripe’s sake.