How I solved my wife’s snoring problem.

After decades of failed attempts, I stumbled upon a solution that appears to be working.
Photo by Kampus Production on

Graphic of PeterEver since we got married, my wife has frequently laid awake at , staring at the ceiling, mulling over the legal consequences of mariticide. Fortunately, we recently stumbled upon a potential remedy for my that just might take “murdering me in my off the table.

I got my Ear, Nose, and Throat checked.

I've never broken a bone before. Now, that's not a flex on anyone with Osteogenesis Imperfecta, it's just a fact. Or so I thought. Two seconds into my ENT appointment, the doctor informed me that, not only had I absolutely broken my nose (likely, as an infant), but that my nasal passages were, in medical terms, “a real shitshow up in there.”

I got my skewed septum straightened.

The was pretty painless, so I sold my unused Percocet® to a local drug dealer for enough money to cover my insurance deductible. Later, after the bloody cotton, blackened scabs, and dried snot were vacuumed out of my nostrils, I could breathe a lot better. More importantly, I snore a lot less, my wife is a lot less annoyed, and I no longer fear suffocation by pillow.

Due to my snoring, anyway.

PSA: If your marriage is on the verge of murder, there's probably an Ear, Nose, and Throat doctor near you.

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