How I solved my wife’s snoring problem.

After decades of failed attempts, I stumbled upon a solution that appears to be working.
Photo by Kampus Production on

Graphic of PeterEver since we got married, my wife has frequently laid awake at night, staring at the ceiling, mulling over the legal consequences of mariticide. Fortunately, we recently stumbled upon a potential remedy for my that just might take “murdering me in my off the table.

I got my Ear, Nose, and Throat checked.

I've never broken a bone before. Now, that's not a flex on anyone with Osteogenesis Imperfecta, it's just a fact. Or so I thought. Two seconds into my ENT appointment, the doctor informed me that, not only had I absolutely broken my nose (likely, as an infant), but that my nasal passages were, in medical terms, “a real shitshow up in there.”

I got my skewed septum straightened.

The was pretty painless, so I sold my unused Percocet® to a local drug dealer for enough money to cover my insurance deductible. Later, after the bloody cotton, blackened scabs, and dried snot were vacuumed out of my nostrils, I could breathe a lot better. More importantly, I snore a lot less, my wife is a lot less annoyed, and I no longer fear suffocation by pillow.

Due to my snoring, anyway.

PSA: If your marriage is on the verge of murder, there's probably an Ear, Nose, and Throat doctor near you.

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