Trust me, I know that we're all living in very “challenging” and “unprecedented” times. I know this because I've received a thousand emails saying that from the CEOs of real companies. They say it a lot in TV commercials and on social media, too. (But to be fair, I have been wondering how Old Navy was handling this crisis.)
“Leadership” is a keyword on my LinkedIn profile.
As CEO of the CrosbyReport Global Media Empire, I feel that it's my obligation—nay, my duty—to have a perspective on this. But that sounds like work and, as I just mentioned, I'm CEO so all “work” falls to someone else, an underling or a “scapegoat,” as I believe they're called.
Rest assured that we're here for you.
The CrosbyReport prides itself on “being there” for all its customers. What do I mean by that? No freaking clue. But since every other faceless global conglomerate is saying it, I don't want to be left out. Just don't try to hold me to it, because “being there” for customers isn't actually a legally binding promise.
There will be no disruption of service or schedule.
While other companies are reducing hours of operation, cutting back on staff, or filing Chapter 11, I've already done all that, remember? Did I somehow see this coming? Can I predict the future? Am I a freaking psychic? Of course I did, I can, and I am —I'm a CEO, dammit! That's how I know the COVID crisis will in no way impact the infrequent delivery of my CrosbyReport™ Occasional Email Newsletter Thing.
We're all in this together, and by “we,” I mean, you.
This is a difficult time for many people, especially our nation's elderly and immunocompromised. But for CEOs like me, it could be truly devastating. Right now, as I write this, the coronavirus is spreading unchecked throughout America's media landscape, depriving the CrosbyReport™ of desperately needed eyeballs and advertising revenues.
Worse, it's putting my year-end bonus at risk.
So, sure, let's all “shelter-in-place” for a while. But the second it becomes the slightest bit inconvenient, let's all get right back to work! Especially the crew of my mega-yacht—I have a regatta coming up in July.