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Have you recently inherited a large family fortune from a relative you barely knew? Do you get paid an obscene salary to do a quasi-legal job within a faceless corporation? Or have you embezzled millions from your city’s pension fund? If you answered “yes” to any of those questions, I have good news for you. And here it is.

CrosbyReport Premium is a new membership level for readers with more money than sense.

As a clearly superior human being in every respect, you have different needs and expectations than the typical plebeians and freeloaders who normally frequent this site. I know that wealthy people like yourself resent being treated like just any other peon instead of the elite patron of the arts that you are. For you, Mr. and/or Mrs. Moneybags, I’ve created CrosbyReport Premium.

What exactly is CrosbyReport Premium?

It’s an upscale membership level for my more discriminating readers. It’s also an innovative new monetization model that, if successful, will allow me to quit my day job, freeing me up to pursue my true passions: drinking wine while watching TV sitcoms.

In layman’s terms, here’s how CrosbyReport Premium works:

  1. You subscribe at my premium level
  2. I make a lot more money

It’s what’s called a “win-win” proposition assuming I understand that concept correctly, and it’s entirely possible that I don’t.

Get exclusive benefits no other site will match, no matter how much you pay.

Why would you even want Premium Membership? First and foremost, you’ll get a bunch of one-of-a-kind, member-only perks including, but not limited to:

  1. A rush of endorphins from helping me out
  2. Free high-fives if we ever meet on the street
  3. Three shout-outs on my Twitter feed
  4. My undying gratitude for up to 2 years
  5. A free copy of my upcoming travel book

That’s a compelling package, right? Now, you might be assuming that this level of inclusion and engagement would be priced far out of reach for commoners, that you’d need to empty your child’s college fund, or sell your body parts to afford it. Well, you may be pleasantly surprised (depending on your tax bracket).

My most expensive option has never been more affordable.

Flaunt your wealth by blowing $499 on this sham.*

LIMITED TIME OFFER: Save 10% when you enable automatic renewals into perpetuity by entering the promo code “SUCKER” at checkout.

The entire CrosbyReport Premium Experience—with all its many exclusive bells and whistles—costs just US$499 a year! Yes, you read that right. The whole upscale illusion, the endorphins, the high-five and shout-outs—all of it, for only $499 a year. That’s less than $42 a month, or about $1.50 a day. Clearly, it’s an amazing deal, and one you won’t find anywhere else (go ahead and look), so subscribe now.

*No relation to the ShamWow® family of fine cloth products.