The big bang theory.

Early today, an explosion rocked downtown San Francisco. The blast struck the heart of the San Francisco financial district; namely, the Polo Ralph Lauren store. Carcinogenic smoke billowed from the burned awning of the upscale clothier, as the SFPD and SFFD converged on the scene like a SWAT team. Evacuations began immediately at Charles Schwabb, Banana Republic and the Crocker Galleria. Pandamonium reigned as people scurried around the area looking for intact outfits or uncharred ensembles that might have been blown from the store’s stockroom. The swanky storefront’s display window—which comprised a WASPy man (presumably named “Chad”) with a pink cardigan wrapped jauntily around his shoulders playing Croquet with his frigid, passive-aggressive wife in a bland ivory sweater and capri pants—was utterly destroyed. No official cause of the explosion has been given; police are investigating. [Update: It was caused by a fault in an underground transformer, and not an anti-globalization terrorist cell as widely assumed.]