Evidently, milk doesn’t do a body that good. According to a recent study, the American Academy of Pediatrics concluded that “neither increased consumption of dairy products, specifically, nor total dietary calcium consumption has shown even a modestly consistent benefit for child or young adult bone health.”

When informed of this unsponsored, unbiased study, the American Dairy Association (whose URL is, no lie) immediately dialed the American Dairy Science Association (“An international organization of educators, scientists, and industrialists who are committed to advancing the dairy industry”) who said, “Suminamuthafrikinbizatch!” Cows everywhere cheered.