How can I afford to discount an already free email newsletter? By slashing frivolous, unnecessary expenses. That’s right, no more doggie daycare, beer vending machine, full-size mechanical bull, or government-mandated healthcare plans. Yet even those cuts weren’t enough, so I had to eliminate more business-critical stuff.
I shafted my staff and passed the savings on to you.
To offer you this once-in-a-lifetime 100% off deal, I had to lay off my entire staff. Regrettably, I axed my Chief Joy Officer, Brand Evangelist, Code Ninja, Marketing Rockstar, and even my Data Guru. It wasn’t easy—some of my imaginary employees had fictional families, too (though, to be fair, they knew the risks when they accepted my fake job offers).
This email newsletter deal is costing me more than it’s costing you.
Finally, I had to relocate my global operations from a prestigious Silicon Valley address to a climate-controlled Florida storage unit.
The move took some adjusting, certainly, but the company is now on firmer financial footing and better positioned to face the inevitable flood of even cheaper Chinese knock-off email newsletters.
The email newsletter business isn’t for the faint of heart.
Uprooting my family, friends, and business from California has certainly been traumatic, and I’ll be honest—some days I’ve seriously considered faking my own death, but the fact that I haven’t yet shows how dedicated I am to providing this unbeatable deal to you, my valued email newsletter subscribers.
If I can get at least 100,000 new email subscribers, then the pending OSHA lawsuits, divorce, and emotional trauma will have all been worth it. So sign up now before I die suddenly under mysterious conditions.
—METAPHORICALLY
Sign up for my email newsletter now.
(Just click Submit once, then give it a moment—my web servers are currently experiencing high volume.)
