How can I afford to discount an already free product? By slashing frivolous, unnecessary expenses—no more pet insurance, beer vending machine, full-size mechanical bull, or government-mandated healthcare plans. Yet even those cuts weren’t enough, so I had to eliminate more business-critical stuff.
I shafted my staff and passed the savings on to you.
To offer you this once-in-a-lifetime 100% off deal, I had to lay off my entire staff. That’s right, I axed my Chief Joy Officer, Brand Evangelist, Code Ninja, Marketing Rockstar, and even my Data Guru. It wasn’t easy—some of my imaginary employees had fictional families, too (though, to be fair, they knew the risks when they accepted my fake job offers).
This deal is costing me more than it’s costing you.
Finally, I had to relocate my global operations from a prestigious Silicon Valley address to a climate-controlled Florida storage unit. Uprooting my family, friends, and business from California has certainly been an adjustment. And I’ll be honest, some days I’ve seriously considered faking my own death, but the fact that I haven’t yet shows how dedicated I am to providing an unbeatable deal to you, my valued subscribers.
If I can get at least 100,000 new subscribers then the pending OSHA lawsuits, divorce, and emotional trauma will have all been worth it. So sign up now before I die suddenly under mysterious conditions.
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(Just click Submit once, then give it a moment—my web servers are currently experiencing high volume.)