How a reader’s comment inspired me to exploit my friends.

How a reader’s comment inspired me to exploit my friends.

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When writing this newsletter, my objective has always been to provide readers with an unsolicited and half-assed alternative to news-focused newsletters focused on the news.

I saw real progress towards that goal this past January when one of my actual, and very real, subscribers sent me a comment saying, “This is the content I needed today.”

“Whoa,” I thought inside my head brain.

That reader’s comment really struck me—I guess I never really realized how much The CrosbyReport™ meant to its many readers. They didn’t just want my newsletter, they needed it, in the same way that a fish needs water, a celebrity needs fentanyl, or a suburban couple needs Victorian-era Netflix® dramas.

This newsletter isn’t a burden—nay, it’s a duty.*

Yes, I write on an old-timey typewriter like a caveman.

Writing an email newsletter is a thankless and unnecessary job, but if I don’t do it, who will? You? Yeah, riiiiight.

Whether it shows or not, I strive to craft newsletters that fully a third of you actually read. Why? So that you don’t have to think about your miserable spouse/boss/job/life for eight minutes.

It’s a sacred obligation to my subscribers, and one I take as seriously as I take speling, punctu.ation, and grammer of.

People need seriousness less than ever.

Thanks to the reader’s comment, I realized that there must be other people who “need this content,” too. So I wondered aloud, “How do I get the word out to these straight-faced unfortunates?”

People walking past me on the street threw garbage, suggesting that maybe preaching wasn’t the best approach. Advertising was out of the question, too, as all my remaining cash had been earmarked for black market contraband. That’s when another thought struck me.

I have a secret sharing machine.

Share this shit.

What is my secret sharing machine, you ask?! It’s something amazing! Something that…ugh, why am I even…oh, screw this—it’s you. I’m talking about you. Yes, you there.

Come on, you must know family, friends, neighbors, and/or coworkers who are so starved for quality entertainment that they’d welcome even this idiotic newsletter, right?

Help me help the world, friends.

With your assistance, the CrosbyReport™ can become a beacon of hope to the hopeless, a ray of sunshine to phengophobics, or a welcome distraction to Ritalin® abusers.

I hope I can count on your support.

*Yes, I know it sounds like “doody.”