Home

My collection of misguided and illinformed Rants.

  • Attention bikers: Loud pipes don't make your penis look any larger.
    Photo of motorcycle exhaust pipes that look like penises
    Walk up to any motorcyclist on the street and ask why they removed their perfectly good, stock motorcycle exhaust system and replaced it with ‘loud pipes,’ and you will hear a resounding, “What..?! I can't hear you over the sound of my bike!” Because, while there may seemingly be some “debate” over whether or not ‘Loud pipes save lives,’ there is no denying that their apologists are just a bunch of inconsiderate attention-whores. Now, I'm a live-and-let-live kind of guy, and I live my life by one moral imperative: Do anything you want as long as it's consensual, and doesn't infringe on the rights of others. It's a simple, elegant and decidedly dogma-free maxim by which to live—I highly recommend it to everyone, particularly hard-line conservatives and religious fundamentalists. If you want to wear only swim-fins and sing opera music, go ahead. Just don't do it where I have to hear it.
  • Guess what? You suck at driving.
    No, it's true, seriously, you really do. Don't kid yourself. You should not be behind the wheel. Ever. But neither should anyone these days. In 2005, there were nearly 6,420,000 auto accidents in the United States. And the number just keeps going up, thanks in no small part to your penchant for texting while driving! Clearly, you are not the above-average driver you claim to be. And while tiny-brained ants NEVER cause traffic jams, you people can't help it. So it's officially time to throw in the towel on the ideas of "personal transportation" and "public roads."
  • An open letter to anyone considering the purchase of Concur Technologies software.
    I am publishing this letter I wrote in the hope that it will motivate Concur Technologies to improve their software. In its current incarnation (circa, 2007), I feel that Concur's Expense Reporting software is needlessly costing its clients vast amounts of money in training, lost productivity and employee aggravation. Fortunately, the problems are fixable in my opinion. What follows is a litany of egregious user-interface errors that, once fixed, would go a long way towards reducing employee training, time and aggravation.
  • Why aren't I famous yet?
    This question has been nagging me, and I'm sure others, for quite some time now. It seems inconceivable to me that someone with my obvious mass appeal goes about daily life wholly ignored by most of humanity. Those ordinary folk who, were it not for the small matter of not knowing me from Adam, would no doubt mob me to get a photo, autograph or lock of hair. Surely, there must be a reasonable explanation for this unwarranted obscurity. And I intend to find it.
  • My take on the 9/11 attacks.
    Carpet bombing the Middle East is, not surprisingly, the popular American response to the recent 9/11 attack, but in my opinion, it's not the best. Military retaliation is far too juvenile and easy—not to mention—expected. No, we're bigger than that. We need to show those power-hungry bastards that the attack didn't have the desired effect of deflating our economy. That it didn't even phase us. That we're so obscenely rich and powerful the WTC attack was merely a mosquito bite to us.
  • High School: 20 years later.
    You'd think that people would change over the course of 20 long years. You'd think that 20 years would be long enough for people to “see the light,” so to speak. You know, to grow as people. To mature as human beings. To gain the wisdom of the years. You would think. And, according to all the evidence presented at my 20th High School reunion, you'd be dead wrong. At my recent reunion, I ran into about 90 meatbags (+1) from school—a rather small showing considering the 300 or so in my graduating class—about whom nothing had changed, apart from their belt size.
  • Maybe they deserved it. Another take on the Columbine shooting.
    There's been a lot of boo-hooing over the Columbine, CO shooting lately, and much of it is warranted. After all, kids died. And I don't want to downplay the severity of the tragedy. It is awful, and my hearts go out to those innocents whose lives were needlessly cut short. I certainly wouldn't want any of my loved ones to be killed by some enraged high school student. The heinous actions of the shooters obviously point an accusing finger at the lack of parental supervision these kids received (How could you not know your kids were building bombs in the garage! What did they think they were doing? Tidying up?). But many other factors played into this as well. Saying the bad parents are solely at fault is too simplistic. Even taking into account the more violent-laden society we live in doesn't fully explain the slaughter. So I'll try.