Walk up to any motorcyclist on the street and ask why they removed their perfectly good, stock motorcycle exhaust system and replaced it with ‘loud pipes,’ and you will hear a resounding, “What..?! I can't hear you over the sound of my bike!” Because, while there may seemingly be some “debate” over whether or not ‘Loud pipes save lives,’ there is no denying that their apologists are just a bunch of inconsiderate attention-whores.

It's not just me who hates loud pipes. It's Johnny Law.

Now, before anyone goes off in a blind rage, let me assure readers that I do not hate motorcycles. In fact, I ride a bike myself. But I live my life by one moral imperative: Do anything you want as long as it's consensual, and doesn't infringe on the rights of others. It's a simple, elegant and decidedly dogma-free maxim by which to live—I highly recommend it to everyone, particularly hard-line conservatives and religious fundamentalists.

Say, there's a thought.

That said, I have nothing against people who ride motorcycles. I applaud their environmentally friendly attempts to forestall our planet's slow descent into a gas-starved, Mad Max dystopia. I do, however, have a beef with the rude bastards who ride loud motorcycles. But not the Ninja rice-burners, because by the time they get loud, they're 3 miles away. No, it's mainly those car-alarm triggering, stoplight-revving Harley riders who get my goat.

Why? Well, for starters, what they're doing is illegal. And actually, that's the end of my argument, too. In most states, loud pipes violate noise ordinances more blatantly than a outdoor Celine Dion concert.

For example, according to California Vehicle Code, Section 27200 (and 27202), emitting “a maximum noise exceeding the applicable noise limit [80-decibels] at a distance of 50 feet” is flat-out, against the law (pre-1985 and off-road bikes, excepted). At the Federal level, the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA), acting under 1972 Noise Control Act (42 U.S.C. § 4901 et seq.), likewise enacted regulations specifying, among other things, that exhaust equipment not emit more than 80 decibels.

See? The prosecution rests. Case closed. It's illegal to drive a vehicle that emits more than 80-decibels. Period.

So the discussion of whether ‘loud pipes save lives’ or not ends right there. The only discussion people should be having on this topic is how to effectively enforce current noise laws. (I say we use elephant darts.)

The case against being a total douche-bag.

There's just no data to support the notion that loud pipes increase rider safety, but there's an ass-load of anecdotal and correlative evidence to suggest that they piss off everyone within a mile.

Over compensate much?

To wit, according to NoiseOff, “the two types of bikes that most often use loud pipes (cruisers and sport bikes) are significantly over-represented in crash data (accidents per type vehicle mile).” In other words, bikes with supposedly life-saving loud pipes are more likely to be involved in collisions than bikes with stock pipes, not less.

Now, I'm not saying these riders shouldn't be concerned for their personal safety, only that loud pipes clearly aren't doing the job.

As proof, consider data from the Hurt Report in which it's noted that 77% of motorcycle accident hazards come from in front of the rider, while only 3% come from behind them. Yet most of the sound from loud pipes is directed backwards.

For loud pipes to be a real safety measure, they'd need to point forward like the sirens on emergency vehicles. Yet even that wouldn't guarantee their safety as automobile drivers often don't even hear ambulances and firetrucks.

Of course, the data could also imply that riders of cruisers and sport bikes need more safety gear because they are less-competent riders or take more stupid risks. Either way, these are problems that are better solved through training and education than exhaust volume.

Some people have even tried to support the loud-pipe argument by proving the negative, citing the lack of noise a Prius makes as proof that bikers should be allowed to emit 80+ decibels of noise anywhere they please.

They claim that, a lack of sound is dangerous, therefore lots of sound must be safe, which is like arguing that since the lack of water is fatal, a hurricane will make you immortal. Obviously, it's all a matter of degree. But judging from the tattoos, facial hair and total lack of personal hygiene, loud pipers are not familiar with “moderation.”

In the end, motorcycle safety isn't about being heard at all. Most drivers involved in motorcycle accidents don't claim they didn't hear the biker, they say they didn't see them. So, conspicuousness of the frontal surfaces of the motorcycle is the critical factor, since “accident involvement is significantly reduced by the use of headlamps in daylight and the wearing of high visibility yellow, orange or bright red jackets.” But try telling wannabe bad-asses—like those at the the Oakland Police department, who recently added after-market pipes to their motorcycles for “safety reasons”—that they should wear bright yellow jumpsuits instead. (Good luck with that.)

Rebels without a set of balls.

Two asses on a bike.

Regardless of what they profess to believe, loud pipers have ulterior motives for bastardizing their bikes. According to NoiseOff.org, “the intense sound caused by loud motorcycles ... triggers an involuntary stress response commonly known as ‘flight or flight.’ This results in the secretion of adrenaline, with ensuing spikes in cardio-respiratory rates, muscle tension, and elevated blood pressure.”

All of which sounds pretty sweet, until you consider the downsides of doing the two-stroke tango, like vibroacoustic disease. What's that, you ask? Well, it's the cumulative and chronic disease caused by exposure to ... low frequency sound energy that affects the nervous system and prolonged exposure can lead to progressive medical conditions.

Medical conditions like Sexual dysfunction, for starters. According to the International Journal of Impotence Research (yes, there is one), “motorcycling was the strongest risk factor for ED [erectile dysfunction]” in almost 70% of riders!That sorta puts the lie to the myth that riding a motorcycle makes you sexy.

How many STDs do you think she has?

But bikers aren't afraid of a little vibroacoustic disease, erectile dysfunction or cancer, right? They're rebels! Courting danger at every turn! Cheating death! Risking life and limb! And living life on the razor's edge! They're rebels don't wear helmets or have any concern for their personal safety—that's what makes them rebels! Yeah!

So why are they so scared of a little silence? If these “tough” guys (and gals!) really believe they need all that extra safety, how can they claim to be rebels, too? (If they were really cool, they'd have stealth bikes!) Gee, for a bunch of supposed roughnecks, they kinda sound like wimps.

Let's say these sensitive, timid Guinea Hogs are right.

Still, just for the sake of argument, let's say that these scaredy-cats are correct about loud-pipes. Let's allow that loud pipes already have in the past—and will in the future—save many lives.

Loud pipes don't save lives, proper training and safety gear does.

The next question becomes, What kind of lives do loud pipes save? Well, from a Darwinistic viewpoint, the “inconsiderate a-hole” kind. And do we as a society even want to save the lives of these people? People who blatantly flout the law? People who don't wear proper helmets or safety gear? People who mindlessly adhere to an out-dated fashion aesthetic and unrestrained facial hair? I think not.

I mean, how does keeping Steppenwolf songs on the radio make the world a better place? How does enabling a corporate middle-managers’ mid-life crisis improve society? And does perpetuating the myth that motorcycle gangs aren't just a cover for closeted, homosexual sex-romps at highway rest-stops help anyone?

Hey, I'm not saying you're a fag, South Park is.

Click here to watch!

Whoa, whoa, before anybody gets all homicidal, watch this episode of South Park where Loud pipers are outed for being the pitiful, attention-whores that they are. And Matt Stone and Trey Parker aren't alone in believing this. There's a groundswell of public support growing against these self-entitled douche bags. Like C.A.L.M. (Citizens Against Loud Motorcycles), and NoiseOff.org. And when your own hobby's advocacy group, the American Motorcycle Association, comes out against loud pipes, you know you're riding on slick, wet asphalt with bald tires:

The [AMA] believes that few other factors contribute more to ... prejudice against the motorcycling community than excessively noisy motorcycles... Failing to adopt responsible policies on a voluntary basis can only result in greater prejudice and discrimination against motorcycling...

And Bill Dart of the Off-Road Business Association, warns, No motorcycle rights organization has the power to stop all of the laws and proposals sweeping the nation in reaction to excessive noise....It is up to each of us to exert peer pressure on those who are using excessively loud pipes.

So if loud pipes don't really make motorcyclists safer, why do they install them?

If loud-pipe lovers were really concerned about their safety, there are many real and effective solutions to motorcyclists safety concerns other than using excessive volume. They could wear full face helmets, proper high-visibility riding jackets and decent footwear. Hell, they could even get one of those stupid bike flags we used as kids and be better off.

No, the whole ‘loud pipes saves lives’ mantra is just a ruse. When pressed, most motorcyclists will even admit that they put loud pipes on solely for “macho reasons.” Loud-pipers are just rationalizing their sad need for the kind of attention they never got from their parents.

The emotionally immature [biker] ... has low levels of self-esteem and self-confidence and consequently feels insecure; to counter these feelings of insecurity they will spend a large proportion of their lives creating situations in which they become the centre of attention. It may be that the need for attention is inversely proportional to emotional maturity, therefore anyone indulging in attention-seeking behaviours is telling you how emotionally immature they are ... Being the centre of attention alleviates feelings of insecurity and inadequacy but the relief is temporary as the underlying problem remains unaddressed: low self-confidence and low self-esteem, and consequent low levels of self-worth and self-love. — From Bully Online.

So, when you think about it, loud pipes are just a cry for help (a really, really, annoying 90-decibel cry for help). We shouldn't hate bikers who use them—they're just sad, unloved and insecure adolescents acting out. Instead, we should pity them.

But then afterward, we should totally fine the crap out of them.