No, it's true, seriously, you really do. Don't kid yourself. You should not be behind the wheel. Ever. But neither should anyone these days. In 2005, there were nearly 6,420,000 auto accidents in the United States. And the number just keeps going up, thanks in no small part to your penchant for texting while driving! Clearly, you are not the above-average driver you claim to be. And while tiny-brained ants NEVER cause traffic jams, you people can't help it. So it's officially time to throw in the towel on the ideas of "personal transportation" and "public roads."

This dream is officially over.

It's time for you to just hand in your driver's license, because you people can't effing drive.

Now, before you get all "driving is a God-given American right" on me, I'd like to point out that I was once a huge fan of cars (especially fast ones). To this day, I drool over the prospect of tooling around in an Aston Martin DB9 at supra-legal speeds on an open highway like the guys on TopGear.

Mmmm, an Aston-Martin DB9

But there just aren't any open highways in California anymore, or anywhere outside of Montana for that matter—just glacially moving parking lots. Because you, and people just like you, really suck at driving.

To be fair, you people suck at driving because you don't really like to drive anymore. Oh, you may think you do, but you don't. Because now you spend so much time commuting, you feel you should do something "better" with that time than merely avoiding fatal, multi-car highway pileups.

"No, I'm multi-tasking."

You think you could be simultaneously reading email, sending email, listening to voice-mails, returning phone calls, reading the newspaper, putting on make-up, changing radio stations, putting in a new DVD for the kids, or doing any of a myriad other collision-inducing actions possible behind the wheel.

As a species, modern human beings are incapable of paying attention to anything for more than five minutes (still reading this? probably not...). Therefore, you just can't be trusted to safely pilot a two-ton, motorized conveyance on public roads anymore. It's as simple as that.

"Hey, watch this...."

But beyond the incredible danger to your own and other people's life and limb, you should stop driving simply because of the cost.

Take gas prices and car insurance, for example. Think about how much money you pay JUST to get to work, the supermarket and the liquor store. Car insurance and gas are, at their root, suburban taxes—you spend hundreds, even thousands of dollars each year simply because you want to live farther than walking distance to your job, grocery stores, shops and movie theaters.

"I'm an excellent driver."

Gas is expensive because Exxon is screwing us all. But insurance is so expensive because cars are so expensive and cars are so expensive because, as I've mentioned before, you drive like shit so they have to have expensive safety equipment. Still, all these problems can all be alleviated with one simple, yet incredibly unappealing solution: the unpopular and long-dreaded specter of "Public Transportation."

"Seriously, where's that effing bus?"

I know, I know, how un-American of me to suggest ditching our beloved automobiles in favor of mass transit. But I ask you, Isn't it actually more American to find the easy/lazy solution to a problem? And driving—as attested by the aforementioned statistics—clearly isn't easy anymore. So why do we still do it? Because there's no better solution. Or is there?

For urban areas, viable, effective, public transportation can be the solution—but not those smelly buses or lame Light Rails—I'm talking about something like Personal Rapid Transit, affectionately known as pod-cars. This mass transit system of people-pods was invented in the 1970s, but only got implemented in this country by those rednecks visionaries at West Virginia University (sure, it ran over budget by millions of dollars, but what government program doesn't? It still costs less per mile than a light rail system or even major road widening projects—$25-40million per mile vs. $100-$300 million). And now, there are plans for PRTs in Ithaca, NY, Dubai, Sweden, and other progressive places.

A podcar.

It seems like a pretty genius idea. Imagine an entirely automated transit system where you go to a conveniently located PRT 'stop,' press the call button and a waiting pod-vehicle is immediately dispatched to your location with the ability to take you (and a few friends) directly to your destination without stopping for other passengers or other stops. 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. No surly bus driver required. That is the promise of PRT.

Additionally, there's the SkyTran pod-concept, where you'd walk to your nearest stop and climb into the next available pod. Once inside, the pod would rise up, matching speeds with the pods flying past headed wherever you want to go at ~100mph. Again, never stopping to drop off other people. A direct drive, straight to your destination.

Of course, for every potential revolution there are naysayers such as Ken Avidor, who believes PRT to be a conspiracy by the anti-Light Rail forces (aka, the pro-Highway construction folks). And Ken rightly asserts that any new technology must prove to be better than existing technology—i.e. Light Rails—but in vilifying early attempts at the technology, he throws the baby out with the bad-apple bath water. If you're going to criticize one technology's failures, you have to look at ALL public transportation failures, including those of light rails.

I do have concerns about how this approach would scale to handle rush-hour traffic. But maybe we could also pursue something like MIT's stackable electric car.

For the more outlying areas—i.e. the American suburbs—we could develop electric cars that drive themselves by using proximity sensors, GPS and wirelessly linking their on-board computers so cars on the road can talk to each other. You'd get inside, tell the computer where you wanted to go and then you could sit back, put on make-up, read the newspaper, and make all the illegal cellphone calls you want.

"There has been a fatal error."

Sure, computers crash and when they invariably do, people will die. But people are already dying in large numbers with the system we have. And while I trust the programmers at Microsoft about as far as I can throw a palette of Zune Music Players, I still trust them to drive cars better than you retarded people.

In a nutshell, our current system of automobile transit—much like our current financial system—just isn't working anymore. We need rehab for our addiction to cars every bit as much as our addiction to oil. Because even if we switched to all electric vehicles overnight, we'd still have the problem of error-prone human drivers.

I'm not sure exactly how to fix transportation, but I'm very sure that you "above-average" idiots are the problem. And the sooner we get you out from behind the wheel, the safer the world will be, and the faster the rest of us will get where we're going.