Attention bikers: Loud pipes don't make your penis look any larger.

Walk up to any motorcyclist on the street and ask why they removed their perfectly good, stock motorcycle exhaust system and replaced it with ‘loud pipes,’ and you will hear a resounding, “What..?! I can't hear you over the sound of my bike!” Because, while there may seemingly be some “debate” over whether or not ‘Loud pipes save lives,’ there is no denying that their apologists are just a bunch of inconsiderate attention-whores.

Now, I'm a live-and-let-live kind of guy, and I live my life by one moral imperative: Do anything you want as long as it's consensual, and doesn't infringe on the rights of others.

It's a simple, elegant and decidedly dogma-free maxim by which to live—I highly recommend it to everyone, particularly hard-line conservatives and religious fundamentalists. If you want to wear only swim-fins and sing opera music, go ahead. Just don't do it where I have to hear it.

I have nothing against people who ride motorcycles. I do, however, have a beef with the rude jerks who ride loud motorcycles.

Now, before anyone goes off in a blind rage, let me assure readers that I have nothing against people who ride motorcycles. In fact, I applaud their environmentally friendly attempts to forestall this planet's slow descent into a gas-starved, Mad Max dystopia. I do, however, have a beef with the rude jerks who ride loud motorcycles. (The notable exception is “Ninja” rice-burners, because by the time they get loud, they're already 3 miles away.) It's mainly those car-alarm triggering, stoplight-revving Harley riders who tear through residential neighborhoods at night that get my goat (UPDATE: I was prompted to write this specifically because loud motorcycles are common in my area, but I should also include loud cars and cars with crazy-loud stereos in this—it's not just loud motorcyclists who are inconsiderate).

The problem(s) with loud pipes.

Say, there's a thought.

Why? Well, for starters, what they're doing is illegal. And actually, that's the end of my argument, too. In most states, loud pipes violate noise ordinances more blatantly than an outdoor Celine Dion concert. According to California Vehicle Code, Section 27200 (and 27202), emitting “a maximum noise exceeding the applicable noise limit [80-decibels] at a distance of 50 feet” is flat-out, against the law (pre-1985 and off-road bikes, excepted).

At the Federal level, the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA), acting under 1972 Noise Control Act (42 U.S.C. § 4901 et seq.), likewise enacted regulations specifying, among other things, that exhaust equipment not emit more than 80 decibels.

See? The prosecution rests. Case closed. It’s illegal to drive a vehicle that emits more than 80-decibels, a level easily eclipsed by many aftermarket exhaust pipes.

So the discussion of whether ‘loud pipes save lives’ or not ends right there. The only discussion people should be having on this topic is how to effectively enforce current noise laws (I say we use elephant darts). (UPDATE: Or there's this new invention being tested in Calgary.)

The case against being a total d-bag.

There's absolutely no data to support the notion that loud pipes increase rider safety, but there's an ass-load of anecdotal and correlative evidence to suggest that they piss off everyone within a mile. (UPDATE: And there's now scientific evidence showing the cardiovascular effects of noise (i.e. loud traffic noises cause heart attacks).)

Over compensate much?

To wit, according to NoiseOff, “the two types of bikes that most often use loud pipes (cruisers and sport bikes) are significantly over-represented in crash data (accidents per type vehicle mile).” In other words, bikes with supposedly life-saving loud pipes are more likely to be involved in collisions than bikes with stock pipes, not less likely. Of course, the data could also imply that riders of cruisers and sport bikes need more safety gear because they are less-competent riders or take more stupid risks. Either way, these are problems that are better solved through training and education than exhaust volume.

Now, I'm not saying these riders shouldn't be concerned for their personal safety, only that loud pipes clearly aren't doing the job.

As proof, consider data from the Hurt Report in which it's noted that 77% of motorcycle accident hazards come from in front of the rider, while only 3% come from behind them. Yet most of the sound from loud pipes is directed backwards.

Of course, the data could also imply that riders of cruisers and sport bikes need more safety gear because they are less-competent riders or take more stupid risks. Either way, these are problems that are better solved through training and education than exhaust volume.

For loud pipes to be a real safety measure, they'd need to point forward like the sirens on emergency vehicles. Strangely, most bikes come equipped from the factory with just such safety equipment—it's called a horn. For decades, automobile drivers have made effective use of the horn’s sudden blaring sound to alert inattentive and/or clueless drivers to the fact that they driving like shit. This approach works for cars, and it would work for motorcycles, too. Therefore, there's no “safety reason” to install loud pipes.

Some people have even tried to support the loud-pipe argument by proving the negative, citing the lack of noise made by a hybrid automobile as proof that bikers should be allowed to emit 80+ decibels of continuous noise anywhere they please.

They claim that, a lack of sound is dangerous, therefore lots of sound must be safe, which is like arguing that since the lack of water is fatal, a hurricane will make you immortal. Obviously, it's all a matter of degree.

In the end, motorcycle safety isn't really about being heard at all. Most drivers involved in motorcycle accidents don't claim they didn't hear the biker, they say they didn't see them. So, conspicuousness of the frontal surfaces of the motorcycle is the critical factor, since “accident involvement is significantly reduced by the use of headlamps in daylight and the wearing of high visibility yellow, orange or bright red jackets.” But try convincing bikers that they should wear bright yellow jumpsuits instead of leathers. (Good luck with that.)

Personal safety isn't the real reason.

Two asses on a bike.

Regardless of what they profess to believe, loud pipers might have ulterior motives for bastardizing their bikes. According to NoiseOff.org, “the intense sound caused by loud motorcycles ... triggers an involuntary stress response commonly known as ‘flight or flight.’ This results in the secretion of adrenaline, with ensuing spikes in cardio-respiratory rates, muscle tension, and elevated blood pressure.”

All of which sounds pretty sweet, until you consider the downsides of doing this two-stroke tango, like vibroacoustic disease. What's that, you ask? Read on:

Ouch. Ironically, one of the “medical conditions” that vibroacoustic disease causes is sexual dysfunction. Yeah, according to the International Journal of Impotence Research (and, yes, there is one), motorcycling was the strongest risk factor for [erectile dysfunction] in almost 70% of riders. That sorta puts the lie to the belief that bikers get a lot of sex, huh?

How many Sexually Transmitted Diseases do you think she has?

There’s also emerging theories saying that bikes emit Extremely Low Frequency (ELF) Electric and Magnetic Radiation (EMF) that may cause cancer in riders.

Rebels without a sense of irony.

Of course, bikers aren't afraid of a little vibroacoustic disease, erectile dysfunction, groin cancer or early onset deafness, right? No, they're rebels, dammit!

So, then, shouldn’t they not want safety gear? I mean, what kind of rebel is concerned about getting hurt? I thought the whole “badass biker mystique” was all about cheating death, courting danger at every turn and living on the razor's edge.

Rebels aren't supposed to have any concern for their personal safety—that's what makes them rebels! Hells, yeah! But if these guys (and gals) really believe they need all the extra “safety” that loud pipes provide, how can they still claim to be rebels? They can’t. Not with a straight face, anyway.

But let's say they're right.

Still, just for the sake of argument, let's say that these folks are correct about loud-pipes. Let's allow that loud pipes already have in the past—and will in the future—save many lives.

Loud pipes don't save lives. Proper training, safety gear and loud horns do.

The next question becomes, What kind of lives do loud pipes save? Well, from a Darwin-esque viewpoint, it seems like the “inconsiderate” kind. Do we want rude men and women having more rude kids? Do we as a society want more people who blatantly flout the law? More people who mindlessly adhere to an out-dated leather-based fashion aesthetic, and unrestrained head hair? (Honestly, how does keeping Steppenwolf songs on the radio make the world a better place?)

Hey, I didn’t say you’re gay, “South Park” did.

Click here to watch!

Whoa, whoa, before anybody gets all crazy, I'm referring to this episode of South Park where loud-pipers are portrayed as rude, attention-craving children. And Matt Stone and Trey Parker aren't alone in believing this. There’s a groundswell of public support building against these self-centered delusion-bags. Like C.A.L.M. (Citizens Against Loud Motorcycles), and NoiseOff.org. And when your hobby's own advocacy group, the American Motorcycle Association, comes out against loud pipes, you know you're riding on slick, wet asphalt with bald tires:

The [AMA] believes that few other factors contribute more to ... prejudice against the motorcycling community than excessively noisy motorcycles... Failing to adopt responsible policies on a voluntary basis can only result in greater prejudice and discrimination against motorcycling...

And Bill Dart of the Off-Road Business Association, warns, No motorcycle rights organization has the power to stop all of the laws and proposals sweeping the nation in reaction to excessive noise....It is up to each of us to exert peer pressure on those who are using excessively loud pipes.

If loud-pipe lovers were really concerned about their safety, there are many real and effective solutions other than using excessive volume. They could install louder horns, wear full-face helmets, proper high-visibility riding jackets and decent footwear. Hell, they could even get one of those stupid bike flags we used as kids and be better off.

So if loud pipes don’t make you safer, why install them?

Regardless of whether bikers admit it or not, the whole ‘Loud pipes saves lives’ mantra is just a ruse. Most motorcyclists, when pressed, will even admit that they put loud pipes on solely for “macho reasons” and because it “sounds cool” to them. But do they know what makes loud-pipes sounds cool to them? Cultural sociology professor, Carl Rohde, thinks there’s a simple answer to why people buy things they think are cool: Empowerment.

According to his research, people buy cool things to enhance their social image and standing, in other words, to bolster their self-esteem. And low self-esteem can lead to “acting out” as this British site notes.

The emotionally immature [person] ... has low levels of self-esteem and self-confidence and consequently feels insecure; to counter these feelings of insecurity they will spend a large proportion of their lives creating situations in which they become the centre of attention....Being the centre of attention alleviates feelings of insecurity and inadequacy but the relief is temporary as the underlying problem remains unaddressed: low self-confidence and low self-esteem, and consequent low levels of self-worth and self-love. —From Bully Online.

So maybe loud-pipe aficionados just feel a need for attention that they never got from their emotionally distant or abusive parents. Maybe loud pipes are just a cry for help—a really, really, annoying 90-decibel cry for help. Maybe we shouldn't hate loud bikers, but pity them instead.

Or maybe we should just say “screw it” and fine them.