humor

I hate the forced rationalization used to justify creating this excellent example of advertainment—"it's just an effort to make you smile, in exactly the same way Cadbury Dairy Milk does."

The ad is undeniably hilarious, but I take issue with the advertising strategy behind it. Chocolate makes people smile? Really?

That's pretty weak, isn't it? In my experience, the arrival of chocolate tends to excite people. At the sight of Cadbury, I've seen people's eyes light up and bulge out of their heads. I've seen their mouths drool like a bulldog shot up with Novacaine. Smiling is essentially a secondary response in this case, like blaming the dog after you fart—it's totally involuntary.

Some people think I don't have a filter when I shoot my mouth off, but I can tell you for certain that I wouldn't have the balls to say the stuff Stephen Colbert did at the White House Correspondent's Dinner this year (Stephen's speech is towards the end, at 50-minutes/15-seconds).

Stephen Colbert deserves Journalism's highest honor (whatever that is), entertainment's highest honor, as well as the freakin' Nobel Peace Prize. His monologue at the dinner was recklessly brutal both to the Administration and to the Press—deservedly so. And the room's stony silence spoke volumes to Stephen's righteousness and barb-slinging accuracy.

His career-ending high-wire act makes the video nothing short of awe-inspiring. Except for the last filmed bit, which is pretty retarded (but then, after a 'truth cocktail' that stiff, you need a self-deprecating chaser shot of tap-dancing to make it out of the building alive). Kudos, Mr. Colbert.

My first Chuck Norris film was The Octagon (1980) at a drive-in in New York. The Octagon referred to a group of ninjas he was battling, and it contained the memorable dialog line: "The body sleeps, the mind never sleeps." That's good Kung-Fu stuff. Since then, I have watched in dismay as this caucasian Karate colossus devolved into a shotgun-wielding, pseudo-sheriff/hick brawler. (Okay, I didn't watch it, but I saw the promos.) More recently, someone on the Internet posted faux facts about Chuck Norris. And they are pretty funny. Fully aware that people are spreading truths about him, Mr. Norris has thus far allowed the authors to live.

Listen to a bit of this. It's the original tape a guy named Troy made to his girlfriend Melissa on their 6-month anniversary. She left him 3 days after.

Pretty sad, to be sure, but now listen to what someone else did with his audio. This is genius. Or just sick. (Most likely, sick.)

People often tell me that I have a way with words, and I frequently tell them that they're stupid and illiterate. Then I swig another glass of cheap scotch, stagger outside to the balcony and stare down into the night wondering about the absurdity of life and the point of it all. Then, just before I jump, I think of these quotes and decide not to paint that Mercury Marquis parked on the street below with my own blood. You know what I mean? Yeah, I know you do.

As a small child, my fondest dream was to one day become The All-Powerful Supreme Overlord of Earth (regardless of how difficult that title would be to print on business cards). The dream of most other Americans, conversely, is somewhat less grand and considerably more achievable: to own their own home.