entertainment

Almost two years to the day that I first saw the diminutive Daniel Craig in Casino Royale, I sat through his latest movie, Quantum of Solace. As an action movie, QOS was perfectly fine (although not as good as Casino Royale). Tragically, the new Bond movies are becoming indistinguishable from the equally entertaining “Transporter” series starring equally British tough guy, Jason Statham. But QOS was decidedly not a Bond flick. So once again, I feel obligated to remind the Broccoli family of exactly what is required to be a true Bond flick.

As long-time readers know (are there any of those?), I hate paying AT&T any more than I absolutely have to. (Especially now that the company jacked up my DSL bill just "because it can...")

Still, I wanted to get High-Definition programming somehow without paying them...

I hate the forced rationalization used to justify creating this excellent example of advertainment—"it's just an effort to make you smile, in exactly the same way Cadbury Dairy Milk does."

The ad is undeniably hilarious, but I take issue with the advertising strategy behind it. Chocolate makes people smile? Really?

That's pretty weak, isn't it? In my experience, the arrival of chocolate tends to excite people. At the sight of Cadbury, I've seen people's eyes light up and bulge out of their heads. I've seen their mouths drool like a bulldog shot up with Novacaine. Smiling is essentially a secondary response in this case, like blaming the dog after you fart—it's totally involuntary.

I just saw the new movie, Casino Royale, starring Daniel Craig, and enjoyed it. Too bad, it's not a Bond flick.

Yes, the lead character is named James Bond, but that alone doesn't make it a Bond flick (see Never Say Never Again). In fact, while the Broccolis think there have already been 21 or 22 Bond films, there have really only been about six: Dr. No, From Russia With Love, Goldfinger, Thunderball, You Only Live Twice, and Diamonds Are Forever.

In short, the Sean Connery ones. And not because I think Sean Connery is the best Bond. Frankly, I don't care who the actor is. No, there have only been 6 real Bond flicks because most of the scripts lack the requisite Bond-ness to qualify.

Recently, I was an audience member on the Ric Rollins Show. He's kind of a local, cut-rate Montel Williams wanna-be. The show was a talent search for Star Search. Most of it was a waste, as what passed for "talent" often got stage fright and choked, requiring a ten minute pep talk and a thorough forehead-dabbing for our profusely sweating host.

If you look on the license plates in Florida, you may notice what seems to be some kind of amorphous blob in between the numbers and letters. It's called a Manatee, or a sea-cow.

Our old buddy Ralph Nader has the same bug up his butt about movies that don't start at the time stated. Forcing ads on captive, paying customers is just one more reason movie theaters need to wise up like ArcLight, or go the way of drive-ins and dodo birds. Until then, give me a hi-def, big-screen LCD with 5.1 surround, my own couch and a few cold beers, anyday.

No screaming kids, sticky floors or off-center seating. It's the way movies were meant to be seen—in peace.