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Miami isn't nearly as dangerous as most people had led me to believe. Oh, sure, on a recent trip I took a wrong turn and ended up in an area that would've given Chuck Norris bad dreams. But the South Beach area with its Art Deco architecture was inspiring. I felt like Michael J. Fox in one of those Back To The Future sequels. The nightlife was exciting--including activities I haven't taken part in since college, due to stricter indecent exposure laws.

DRUNK.

Yeah. And pretty badly, too. But at least I wasn't driving. So I lapped up the ethanol like an old Buick. We had a drink in nearly every bar on Ocean Drive, and a couple of back roads. But on this noble quest, we inadvertently stumbled into a gay bar. (Due to our condition, a bouncer handing out condoms wasn't enough of a tip off. No pun intended.) No, we had to wait until our eyes adjusted to the dark before we could detect the sudden absence of estrogen. So we bailed.

QUAFF.

In one bar (the Glam Slam or something like that) we ran into another problem. My date, turning her back to the bar, got her hair a tad too close to some tall candles that decorated the bar. Fortunately, even through my alcohol-induced haze I knew that, the last time I checked, she wasn't wearing a bright, yellow hat. It turned out that I was correct. It was merely that her head was on fire and, since I really don't find the Sinead O'Connor-look all that comely, I extinguished the blaze by smacking the back of her head. Thankfully, after two or three people lit their cigarettes off of her burning hair, it went out. Evidently, this was the third time this had happened recently and the bar was offering a herbal-gauze wrap to the 100th burn victim. So you can bet we'll be back soon.

C&P.

Before trekking on to the Keys, we made a detour at Crispin & Porter to see if Chuck Porter was in. (I'd met him at the District Addy's two years ago. C&P have a pro hockey team account as well as a cellular account, just like Paradigm! Still, that's where the similarities end, because people outside of Florida have actually heard of Crispin & Porter.) Alas, Chuck was at lunch, so we got some of the employees to give us a quick tour of the place. They had no idea who we were or why we were there, but they were thoughtful and polite just the same. In fact, they showed us many sensitive documents which we are now using to steal accounts from them.

WEST.

We continued south to the Florida Keys, where we stayed at a (once again) charming Art Deco hotel, in what was possibly the smallest room ever meant for human inhabitation. It was so small, it made my apartment look big. We had to step outside to change our minds! (Ba da BING! Hello? Is this thing on?)

SNORKEL.

In recent issues, you may recall my aversion to moistening even a toe in saltwater due to the proliferation of living organisms that outweigh me by several hundred pounds and have really, really big teeth. Well, I decided to throw my better judgment overboard and dive into the briny deep with nothing more than a face mask and a pair of extra big, floppy feet extensions (like mine aren't big enough). One of the few glitches in this plan hinged on the fact that, for some reason, I thought that I would be able to see underwater without my glasses. This ultimately turned out for the best. Because I missed seeing two barracuda and a nurse shark. Now, you may think that a nurse shark doesn't sound too bad, but anything that gets the name 'shark' tacked onto the end of its name is something I avoid like self-inflicted bullet wounds. And since while snorkeling there is a distinct possibility that in a panic--such as the one eyeing a shark would've thrown me into--one can swallow your body weight in saltwater. Oh, yeah, and there's also a chance of that drowning thing, too. I was able to see a manta-ray, which was really cool, though still blurry. (Luckily, I'd seen enough Jacques Cousteau to know what it looks like in focus, so I was able to make the leap in my mind.) There were a lot of brightly colored, round things swimming between my legs that I took to be fish as well. It kinda felt like I was in a big saltwater aquarium--only without the fake plants, plastic skeleton or the that clam-thing that opens and closes its mouth all the time.

KEYS.

The rest of the trip involved mostly shopping. Not because we wanted to, but because it was the only thing to do. The main industry in the Keys appears to be reef-diving and selling t-shirts. And every store sells the same designs. (These guys have obviously never heard of a USP.) The drive home through the everglades was pretty uneventful. Not a single alligator chased down or attacked our car. So we didn't get the chance to have our pale, dehydrated bodies dragged screaming and clawing into the murky everglades. We were kinda bummed. (Maybe next time.)

CITRUS.

I went to see Billy "I'm better off without her" Joel and Elton "What are you doing after the show, Billy?" John in concert at the Citrus Bowl in Orlando. They were very good, but a late rain pushed the show back two hours. And believe me, the Citrus Bowl is not the kind of place you want 60,000 people waiting around in. The seats put people literally on top of one another. And even at 9:30pm, it was still hot. Fights were breaking out between girl scouts and the clergy every five minutes. And this is where they held the World Cup. Where better to cram a mess of hyper, boozed-up European soccer fans in 900 heat for 90 minutes? I guess Disneyland was booked.