Do you know what gelato is? Sure, you’ve probably heard of it—it’s essentially the Northern Italian version of ice cream—but you probably haven’t had any of it. Well, not the real stuff anyway. Fortunately, that’s easy to find out: If you’d rather ingest gelato than oxygen, you’ve probably had the real stuff. But if you prefer breathing, even just a little, then you’ve only had the fake stuff. And that’s a damn shame. Because the real stuff is more addictive than crack cocaine.

In the same way that McDonald’s “McFlurry” has as much in common with ice cream as with concrete, most gelato in the United States is about as real as my “Praada” wallet. That includes every gelato shoppe in San Francisco (and we tried them all when we got back from Italy), as well as freezer-section impostors like Ciao Bella and Talenti (I WANT MY @#$%&!! MONEY BACK!!).

Luckily, there’s Gelato Massimo. This Massimo guy produces spectacular, authentic gelato out of a former aircraft hangar across in the East Bay over in Watsonville, CA (quite near the Hanger One distillery, which also pumps out some sublime spirits). And Gelato Massimo is the real thing. Not only is it lower in calories than most ice cream because it uses less butterfat than American ice cream, its denser, too, so you don’t have to eat as much making it practically a diet treat.

You can get it at Andronico's Markets, Draeger's Markets, Mollie Stone's, Piazza Fine Foods, Whole Foods and a few other Bay Area grocery stores. And at ~US$5 a pint, it’s hardly cheap. But have you priced crack cocaine lately? Cuz that's the only thing that’ll make you this happy (from what I hear). And it’s probably WAY more expensive...especially when you include lawyers’ fees and whatnot.