(Yes, I can, albeit slowly.) First, I highly recommend that my ad friends read "What's the big idea?," by George Lois. It is a riveting look into the mind of the kind of egotistical bore we are all destined to become. Unfortunately, while his stories are fascinating, the work is miserable and very dated.

Another highly recommended piece of literature, is "Republican Party Reptile," by P.J. O'Rourke--a very funny writer whose style I pirate constantly in the CrosbyReport. (My own work, however, pales dismally in comparison, due in part to his vast personal experience as an international correspondent for Rolling Stone magazine. Of course, his English Lit degree from Harvard may have helped, too.) But, this is not a book for sensitive types, rather for those who would think nothing of drinking their body-weight in Cuervo Gold and piloting a '76 Cadillac over a few small animals on the way to Mexico in search of coeds. (P.J. was in a fraternity. Could you tell?) He was born in Dayton, Ohio, as well.

Editors note: P.J. came to USF on a college lecture tour recently. Naturally, I went, but having never been there before, I got lost. So, I didn't get a seat and was forced to stand in the lobby, where they pumped the speech over truly bad speakers. I couldn't hear most of his lecture because some extremely rude and inconsiderate yuppie couples discussed lawn maintenance at length. Being not totally without compassion, they changed topics.