LOSERS.

Look, I've been getting a lot of grief from my so-called "friends" who didn't get a copy of the second Crosby Report-- and to those who didn't -- hey, too bad. But the Postal Service ain't making it too cheap, what with postage up to 29¢. So, send me $2.00 (or better yet stamps) and I'll be sure to send you 6 big, bi-monthly, one-color issues of The Crosby Report. (And no credit. This ain't no bank. I'm not mailing anybody anything until they pony up the dough.) Remember, if you don't receive an issue, it's not cuz I don't like you anymore, it's more likely because you got the last issue, and frankly, not all that much changes. So, cut me some slack and be happy you got this. It's not like MY mailbox in the wall is overflowing with witty letters, cards and small festive gifts. So back off!

ROLL 'EM.

On March 18th, we rolled cameras on my first official TV spot. I say official, because I'd already started filming (okay, videotaping) my first spots, but since it was all donated effort, they're not real big on production values. Still, they're cool anyway. Ya gotta start somewhere. And they do have a couple of celebrities in them... Detlef Schrempf of the Pacers, Rohn Stark of the Colts and Razor Shines of the Indians. All of them are fabulous actors. (Can you smell the sarcasm?) Fortunately, they didn't really kill their lines too badly.

We got to shoot the Coke spot on 16mm film (yeah!). Unfortunately, we could only afford one walk-on babe (boooo!) And, we had to cast locally, so she's a Hoosier-chick (No, dear. I meant your left.) She wasn't too bad looking, but as far as neural activity, let's just say I'm glad she didn't have a speaking part.

Also, I didn't get a chance to drive the car to the shoot. It was a red Dodge Stealth Turbo. Very cool. The Manufacturer's Suggested Retail Price on it was $29,000, but the sticker price was a mere $44,000! I guess "Hoosier Hospitality" means they offer you coffee and doughnuts before they rob you blind. They tried to justify it with a note that said (and I'm not making this up) "Only one of 1200! Very rare!" Yike, a veritable shortage! I would hope finding someone stupid enough to pay $15,000 over sticker for a car would be very rare! Yeah, I'd want that honor. Where do I sign? So, now I've got a "reel". Granted, two spots aren't all that much but it sure beats making wall-shadows any day. I'll be the first to admit that they aren't the best broadcast I've ever seen, and I don't think I'm gonna give Ridley Scott (a famous director) any sleepless nights, but still, it's honest-to-God-experience! And that's what I'm here for! That's why I uprooted my safe, secure life to venture out into the real world! Real-life experience! Coming face-to-face with the strange and bizarre creatures known as Hoosiers. Yes, and I'm darn proud of myself, too! Of course, it would be nice if I could get a meal at a decent restaurant every now and then. But that's not why I'm here. And sure, it would be nice if there was even one cool bar to go to. But that's not why I'm here. Still, it would be nice to have a decent radio station to listen to or TV station to watch. (Thank God for MTV.) But that's not why I'm here! I'm here for...uh,..no, umm...what am I here for? Oh, yeah! Experience! That's it. Yeah.

Oh, and the car. That's why I'm here. And the money. And the weather. (Too bad about that ice storm you guys had. We were sunny and 50o that day. Ahem.) Ya can't have everything. Where would you put it?

SPORTS COLUMN.

Indianapolis. The town that likes to think it "never met a sport it didn't like". In the past few months I've seen the capital city embrace football, hockey, bicycling and the old Hoosier standby--basketball. Yes, they love their sports in Indiana. I guess the idea of men sweating in close bodily contact appeals to the adventuresome denizens of this state.

Still, I can appreciate some of the charm of these old traditional time-killers. I was there for the Final Four. (Well, not actually there. I was in a sports bar, sharing the camaraderie of my fellow imbibers and belching a lot).

I was there for the 34th annual running of the Little 500 down at Indiana University. If you've seen the movie "Breaking Away" then you know what I'm talking about. If you haven't, ask someone who has, cuz I don't wanna take the time to explain it. And frankly, the movie is too boring to rent. Suffice to say, it's a bike race of 50 miles (200 laps around a 1/4 mile track) and our guy came in 28th out of 33 teams. Out of four major accidents involving serious bodily damage, our guy survived three of them relatively unscathed. One occurred right in front of us! Three guys had to be carried off in stretchers. It was so cool. They served beer at his frat house. So I had fun.

Continuing the sports theme of this column, I've been watching the new World League of American Football. Now that's fun. Based on some of the team's ability, apparently not all the rules of American football translate to other languages all that well. With all the major blow out scores, I kept thinking it was the Super Bowl. Helmet-cam? Oh, yeah, watching static really gives you the feeling of being on the field.

And how about that "Rocket Ishmeal" guy. I'll bet he's gonna be a famous face all over the world soon. Just about all the networks are vying to broadcast Canadian football games. Rocket-who? The last guy anybody heard from who played for the Argonauts, was a guy named Jason.

One other relatively major sporting event, the Indy 500, is coming up soon, but I'll probably dedicate an entire sports column to that one. It's supposed to be big. 400,000 people or something. A vast majority of whom are female and, I'm told, shed various articles of clothing when prompted. This must be why they call it the greatest spectacle in racing.