TheCrosbyReport™ | The website of San Francisco Bay Area Senior Advertising Copywriter, Peter Crosby

What should the U.S. auto industry really worry about? Freaking zombies, man.

Lately, I've been researching and mulling over my next car purchase (in spite of my previous rant about the “Age of Automobiles” coming to a close. Of course, living in Northern California virtually requires me to buy an environmentally friendly mode of transportation—something that either runs on reclaimed french fry grease, wind-power, solar power or pixie dust. But if you go to any auto dealer around here and ask to see a zero-emission vehicle for less than $50,000, they'll stare at you like a dog trying to solve a Rubic's cube. Accidentally, I discovered what may be the best way to get around town: Zombie power.

Ben Stein is dead (to me).

It was bad enough that he supported Bush's black/white view of world politics. And that he supported George W. Bush's handling of Katrina. And that, in hindsight, he finally admitted that the Iraq War was/is a disaster.

See? I'm not the only one who resents movie theater ads.

Our old buddy Ralph Nader has the same bug up his butt about movies that don't start at the time stated. Forcing ads on captive, paying customers is just one more reason movie theaters need to wise up like ArcLight, or go the way of drive-ins and dodo birds. Until then, give me a hi-def, big-screen LCD with 5.1 surround, my own couch and a few cold beers, any day. No screaming kids, sticky floors or off-center seating. It's the way movies were meant to be seen—in peace.

Done screwing up the Pledge of Allegiance for generations to come, meddling Reverend dies.

The Reverend George Docherty, most famous for misleading hundreds of millions of Americans who don't fully understand the founding principles laid out in the Bill of Rights, has died at his home in rural Pennsylvania. He leaves behind a wife, probably some kids, and a national fallacy that will probably take centuries to correct.

The Repubican Oath: Do Republican politicians know about this?

I was pretty shocked when I came across the Republican Oath. I mean, I grew up a Republican, but I've been voting Democrat ever since George "Mission Accomplished" Bush ran for president the first time. His way-too-far-right, religious zealotry, general ignorance and incompetence forced me Left—onto the side of the people who insist that pet owners be called..."Pet Guardians." Still, this oath makes me wonder who killed the real GOP.

Peter doesn't think paying bills while drinking wine is a good combination, despite its obvious appeal and inevitable-ness.

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© 1991-present. Originally intended to consolidate the arduous task of penning large numbers of heartfelt correspondence into a single, impersonal, one-size-fits-all tome, The Crosby Report has blossomed into a massive black-hole of wasted time and resources, causing not merely intense marital strife and near-crippling financial debt, but the early stages of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome as well. Enjoy.

San Antonio, Texas: A river walks through it.

If you only ever visited Austin and San Antonio, you could be excused for thinking Texas was a pretty good place to live. The people seem nice, and the cost of living is relatively cheap. Even better, you don’t see hordes of cowboy hats everywhere like you do in Dallas or Houston. In fact, you could probably get by your entire life there just fine without ever buying a pair of cowboy boots (assuming the 24/7 Country Musak® doesn't drive you effing insane first).

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Mazatlán, Mexico: Lots to do and lots of reasons not to do any of it.

We didn't pick Mazatlán, Mexico as a vacation destination for its deep-sea fishing, sailing or any of the other things you can reportedly do there. We picked it because of all the things you don’t do there. Namely, put on pants or shoes (or deodorant, judging from the smell of our fellow tourists). This was our "sit around drinking Mexican beer while reading People Magazine" vacation. But despite our near lack of observable movement, I somehow managed to find things worth writing about: Iguanas, mostly.

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Cancun, Mexico: It's not all beer chugging and wet t-shirt contests (dammit).

We hadn't originally planned our two-week vacation to Mexico for its affordability but—when weeks later I found myself unemployed (like the rest of the planet)—it seemed like a prescient choice. Regardless of its favorable exchange rate, Mexico was nonetheless a country with fascinating archeological sites and a rich history that would allow us to slip in a bit of culture between Marghitas.

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